The Gift of Forgiveness

The Gift of Forgiveness

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Forgive

I have spoken and written a lot about forgiveness. I was married for close to 30 years to a man who is a pornography and sex addict. Over the course of our marriage he acted out numerous times, which resulted in a lot of emotional, physical, and spiritual suffering. Nevertheless, the resentment, bitterness, anger, etc., that I felt off and on during those years was a choice that I made. Both of us used our agency poorly.

Having an unforgiving heart weighs us down with burden—even when we have been the victim of another’s choices. In the opening remarks of his talk, “To Be Free of Heavy Burdens,” Elder Richard G. Scott says, “Many of you suffer needlessly from carrying heavy burdens because you do not open your hearts to the healing power of the Lord.” [i] He then reminds us of this promise from the Lord:

Savior in Gethsemane

“I will … ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that … you cannot feel them …; and this will I do … that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions” (Mosiah 24:14). [ii]

Sometimes, we have unforgiving hearts because we want the other person to suffer as we have. The irony of this type of unforgiveness is that we cannot be healed from the pain that has been afflicted upon us if we don’t forgive. The Lords tell us:

“Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.

“I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.” [iii]

The Savior’s healing power is greater than our afflictions. When we trust in Him, and ask for His help to forgive, He will grant us that ability. 

I have often heard people say that they can’t forgive. They don’t know how, or they’ve tried and it doesn’t work. Forgiveness is often a process, but it is also a gift. “Seek ye earnestly the best gifts.” [iv] The gift of forgiveness is something that I have experience with, but it wasn’t randomly given to me. I made a conscious choice to be obedient to the commandments and to make changes in my life which would bring me greater happiness. Because of those choices, my heart was softened, and I was granted the ability to freely forgive. Now I find it much easier to forgive than I have in the past. I don’t hold on to resentment or bitterness.

Let’s not forget the greatest blessings that comes from forgiving others—the remittance of our sins. “For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” [v] I remember distinctly how I felt after I had forgiven someone else. An overwhelming sense of peace came over me. In that moment, I was not only free from the burdens of someone else’s choices, but my own sins had been forgiven. I was free from all burden. It was a beautiful moment in my life that I’ll never forget.

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I am eternally grateful for the Savior. He made all things possible through His atonement. He has the power to help us forgive. It’s my sincere prayer that you’ll free yourself from your burdens and seek His help.

[i] https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2002/10/to-be-free-of-heavy-burdens?lang=eng

[ii] As cited in “To Be Free of Heavy Burdens.”

[iii] Doctrine & Covenants 64:9-10

[iv] Doctrine & Covenants 46:8

[v] Matthew 6:14

Couple Prayer

Couple Prayer

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The Proclamation states that prayer is one of the principles that “successful marriages” are built upon.[i] When couples pray together, they create a unique relationship between them and God. In the June 2006 Ensign, Elder Bednar illustrates a principle that a marital relationship with Christ at the apex of a triangle and the husband and wife at the other corners builds greater love and happiness as husband and wives move closer to Christ.[ii] The same concept is true if we instead place our Father in Heaven at the apex. As couples pray together, they grow closer to one another as they move closer to God through prayer.

I asked my daughter, who is married, what she thought was one of the greatest benefits of couple prayer. She mentioned the very triangle cited above. When she and her husband pray together, she feels closer to him and to the Lord.

In addition, there is evidence which supports the notion that couples who pray for one another see their marriages as sacred.[iii] “[Viewing] the relationship in this way can be a protective factor, buffering the marriage against certain challenges (such as infidelity) that can diminish or destroy a marriage.”[iv] This is significant when we think about the challenges that many marriages face today. It’s estimated that 55% of marriages which end in divorce, do so because of infidelity.[v] Among Latter-day Saint marriages, the statistic is only slightly lower at 48%. [vi]

Elder Dallin H. Oaks[vii] teaches why prayer can serve as protective factor. He counsels:

If you are already descending into the low state of marriage-in-name-only, please join hands, kneel together, and prayerfully plead for help and the healing power of the Atonement. Your humble and united pleadings will bring you closer to the Lord and to each other and will help you in the hard climb back to marital harmony.

More notably, past and present church prophets and apostles have admonished couples to pray together for a variety of reasons:

President Spencer W. Kimball talked about several principles, including couple prayer, which bring happiness. He said, “Happiness is at its pinnacle when husbands and wives … love the Lord more than their own lives.” [viii]

President Russell M. Nelson taught, “Good communication is also enhanced by prayer. To pray with specific mention of a spouse’s good deed (or need) nurtures a marriage.”[ix]

Another prophet, President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “I know of no single practice that will have a more salutary effect upon your lives than the practice of kneeling together as you begin and close each day. Somehow the little storms that seem to afflict every marriage are dissipated when, kneeling before the Lord, you thank him for one another, in the presence of one another, and then together invoke his blessings upon your lives, your home, your loved ones, and your dreams.”[x]

Finally, Ecclesiastes 4:12 states, “A threefold cord is not quickly broken.” The verses previous to this one says, “Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow” (vs. 9-10). What better way is there than to lift one another up through prayer?

We walk hand in hand with God through the perils of life when we place him at the center of our marriages. When one spouse stumbles, the other is there, but so is our Father in Heaven. His added strength to our marriages will bring us more happiness, better communication, and greater protection as we strive for greater satisfaction and success.

[i] The Family: A Proclamation to the World. (1995, November). Retrieved May 25, 2019, from https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/1995/11/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world?lang=eng

[ii] https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2006/06/marriage-is-essential-to-his-eternal-plan?lang=eng

[iii] Lambert, N. M. (2016). Sanctification and Cooperation: How Prayer Helps Strengthen Relationships in Good Times and Heal Relationships in Bad Times. In Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives (pp. 196-200). Provo, UT: Brigham Young University.

[iv] Ibid.

[v] Hawkins, A. J., & Fackrell, T. A. (2016). Should I Keep Trying to Work It Out: Sacred and Secular Perspectives on the Crossroads of Divorce. In Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives (pp. 79-87). Provo, UT: Brigham Young University.

[vi] http://www.ldsliving.com/The-LDS-Divorce-Experience/s/82123

[vii] Oaks, D. H. (2007, May). Divorce. Ensign,37, 36-38. In Lambert, pg. 197.

[viii] https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/building-an-eternal-marriage-teacher-manual/spirituality-in-marriage?lang=eng

[ix] Nelson, R. S. (2006, May). Nurturing marriage. Ensign, 36, 36-38. In Lambert, pg. 198.

[x] https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1971/06/except-the-lord-build-the-house?lang=eng

Tools of Our Faith

Tools of Our Faith

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There is a chapter in the book I’m reading, “Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives,” which discusses the impact that faith has on marriage and families. Although there have been many studies conducted in which religious faith is measured against health, family life, marriage, etc., the text says it’s difficult to prove that faith has any real measure on the success of family life.[i] Yet, the text concludes that, “Evidence suggests that shared faith appears to be a principle upon which “successful marriages and families are established and maintained.”[ii] As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we don’t need proof to know that the active exercise of our faith helps our families and marriages survive the storms of life.

In Elder Richard G. Scott’s October 2014 General Conference address, he explains how prayer, scripture study, family home evening, and temple attendance will help us “endure every temptation, every heartache, [and] every challenge we face.”[iii]  He calls each of these actions, tools which will help us with our challenges.

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Prayer

He counsels parents to “help safeguard your children by arming them morning and night with the power of family prayer.” Prayer brings us closer to each member of the Godhead. As we exercise our faith through prayer, we receive help from them. Praying daily as individuals, couples, and families will strengthen our bonds with our Father in Heaven and with one another.

Scripture Study

Elder Scott says “If you want your children to recognize, understand, and act on the promptings of the Spirit, you must study the scriptures with them.” The same admonition applies to individuals and couples. From personal experience, my prayers are often answered while I read my scriptures. The answers don’t always come straight from the verses themselves, but because I have placed myself in the position to be fed by the Spirit, I am more open to inspiration during that time.

Family Home Evening

During this summer, I have been having FHE with my daughter and son-in-law each week. My daughter is living with me while my son-in-law is in another state for an internship. Even though FHE is conducted over the internet, it has been a faith-filled experience. I have no doubt that my daughter and son-in-law are being blessed while they are being faithful to God’s commands.

Temple Attendance

The temple is a sanctuary from the world. The power that we have received from our covenants fortifies us against the adversary and whatever may be thrust upon as we dwell in mortality. It’s necessary that we attend often so that we remember those covenants and so that we are continually strengthened. We may not be able to attend the temple with all of our family members, but they too will be blessed as we exercise our faith by going to the temple often.

I know that there is power in each of these tools. I testify that Elder Scott’s promise to us is true. Our marriages and families will be able to endure all of the trials, temptations, and heartaches we may be faced with if we act upon our faith and use the tools of prayer, scripture study, FHE, and temple attendance to strengthen us.

[i] Marks, L. D., Dollahite, D. C., & Freeman, J. J. (2016). Faith in Family Life. In Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives (pp. 185-193). Provo, UT: Brigham Young University.

[ii] Ibid.

[iii] https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2014/10/make-the-exercise-of-faith-your-first-priority?lang=eng

Children

Children

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The drift towards having fewer children is rising dramatically. As more and more people opt out of having children or having fewer children, this trend will eventually result in depopulation throughout the world by 2050.[i] Although many people believe that the world is presently overpopulated, this movement will have worldwide repercussions. As the populace gets older and is in need of greater and greater resources, there will be fewer people to provide them. Although it is predicted that there will be tangible consequences of these choices, the spiritual consequences are far greater. 

In our pre-mortal life, we lived with Heavenly Parents. We are literally the offspring of God.[ii] When Heavenly Father presented His plan, He explained that we would come to earth to have experiences that would lead us back to Him. The family is central to His plan.[iii] This entails marrying (husband and wife) and having children.

Why is having children important? Being a father and a mother is “is an apprenticeship to godhood.”[iv] As parents, we become more like God as we employ the godly attributes that we have been given and those that we have been commanded by God to acquire, such as “faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, [and] compassion.”[v]

The exercise of our faith is required as we seek the Lord’s guiding hand about when and how many children to have. Society would have us believe that education, work, finances, health, etc. are reasons for postponing or not having children. Yet, the first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve was to have children. If we place our trust in God, then He will provide a way for us to have a family. Sometimes that requires patience while we wait on His timing, but His promises are sure.

Having children takes sacrifice. I am blessed to have had four children. I am doubly blessed to soon have a total of five grandchildren. It wasn’t easy. Having children necessitated the exercise of my faith and employing all of those attributes and more listed above. My education, work opportunities, finances, health, etc. all took a hit, but I would do it all over again because I have gained so much more than I what I gave. More importantly, the promise of eternal life with my family is in force as long as I continue to repent and live righteously.

The tangible consequences of having children are easily apparent as we balance our checkbooks, make doctor visits, take much longer to complete our education, and work hard to provide, but the spiritual blessings far exceed them. I know that when we exercise our faith and make sacrifices to have a family, the Lord will bless us. The greatest reward of all is the opportunity to have our family with us forever and to become like our Heavenly Parents.

[i] Hawkins, Alan J., et al. Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Brigham Young University, 2016.

[ii] The Family: A Proclamation to the World. (1995, November).

[iii] Ibid.

[iv] https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2002/06/father-consider-your-ways?lang=eng

[v] Hawkins, Alan J., et al. Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Brigham Young University, 2016.

Family Councils Promote Equality in Marriage

Family Councils Promote Equality in Marriage

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This week I learned about equality in marriage. The Proclamation teaches, “Fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.” [i] One great way to have an equal partnership is to have a weekly family council. In this meeting, spouses and families meet together “to discuss family problems, work out finances, make plans, support and strengthen [each other], and pray for one another and for the family unit.”[ii]

Let’s think about how a few of these things promote equality:

First, discussing family problems in family council allows each member of the family to have a voice. For instance, a wife and husband may both be overwhelmed by their many activities. School, work, church callings, cooking, cleaning, and family obligations can be taxing. During family council, they can discuss their many endeavors and seek to find a way to share the load. As they seek each other’s counsel on the matter and make united decisions, their marriage is strengthened.

Family Council

Second, creating and following a budget and going over the budget during family council promotes unity. Since money is one of the largest contributors to marital discord, working out finances together can also strengthen the marriage.  Husband and wife should have an equal say on how money should be spent and saved. They both have an obligation to live within the budget for the welfare of their family. During family council, they go over their expenses from the week before and plan for upcoming expenses. As they prayerfully consider how to allocate their funds, they will have financial peace of mind.

Third, making plans together (especially fun ones) encourages unity. Gone are the days that dad planned the family vacation and mom and the kids went along for the ride. That was my generation. During family council, planning outings and vacations can be a great way to create unity. Plans are formed, assignments are given, and each person contributes. In subsequent family councils, each person reports on how their assignment is going. Encouragement can be given if something difficult arises. Regardless, as both husband and wife work together, the load is equalized and the family is strengthened.

As you can see, family council encourages couples to share responsibilities. It helps them both feel valued and know that their opinion matters. As couples begin to regularly hold family council, they will “be more successful and happy in [their] precious relationships.”[iii]

[i] The Family: A Proclamation to the World. (1995, November). Retrieved May 25, 2019, from https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/1995/11/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world?lang=eng

[ii] Ballard, R. M. (2016, May). Family Councils. Retrieved May 25, 2019, from https://www.lds.org/study/liahona/2016/05/saturday-afternoon-session/family-councils.p1?lang=eng

[iii] Ballard, R. M. (2016, May). Family Councils.

Love Your Family

Love Your Family

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“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”[i] God loved us, His children, so much that He sent His Son to earth to redeem us. With that gift, we would receive another gift: eternal life. Our Father set an example for us to follow—we must love and sacrifice for our families so that we might have eternal life with them.

Giving Love

Love and Sacrifice

Love is the foundation for all that we do for our families. When we love them with all of our hearts, we begin to build for them a family unit that will last the test of time and into eternity.

It should be no surprise that in “The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” love is virtually commanded and tied to moral commitment and obligation…The commands are: husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children” and “parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, . . . to teach them to love and serve one another” (¶ 6). Success in family life is deemed to be grounded in honoring principles such as “forgiveness, respect, love, [and] compassion” (¶ 7).[ii]

This type of love requires sacrifice. Elder Richard G. Scott said, “Love, as defined by the Lord, elevates, protects, respects, and enriches another. It motivates one to make sacrifices for another.”[iii] Our Father sacrificed His Only Begotten for us. What are we willing to sacrifice?

1. Our time is one of the greatest sacrifices we can give to our families. When we give up something precious to us, we can create something even better. The bonds of love will deepen as we show our family that time with them is more important than our time to do with as we please.

2. The needs of our spouse and children should supersede our wants. Giving up something that we want for something that they need will change our hearts. We will eventually find that the joy that comes from giving is far greater than the momentary happiness that getting something we want will bring.

3. Sacrificing our will. Will in this context is defined as, “The faculty of conscious and especially of deliberate action; the power of control the mind has over its own actions.” [iv] Our wills may often conflict with the will of other members of our family. The idea is not to just give up or even to compromise, but to allow our will to be the same as the will of our loved ones. Family councils are a great way to unite as a family and act as one—similar to how the Holy Ghost, the Savior, and our Father are united and act as one.

There are myriad other ways to show our love and to sacrifice for our families. Heavenly Father led by example. He sacrificed His Son because He loves us. The Savior’s love for us was measured by His great suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane as he worked out the atonement in our behalf. As we abide by these principles, great personal and family happiness will be the result.

[i] (John 3:16, emphasis added).

[ii] Hawkins, Alan J., et al. Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Brigham Young University, 2016.

[iii] https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1991/04/making-the-right-decisions?lang=eng

[iv] https://www.dictionary.com/browse/will

Covenant Obligations and Happiness in Marriage

Covenant Obligations and Happiness in Marriage

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This semester, I’m studying the family and how, “The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” supports the idea of stable, loving, and eternal marriages and families. The textbook which accompanies this class promotes the principles outlined in the Proclamation and teaches us how to implement them into our marriages and families.

This week in our readings, I came across a statement that I felt compelled to write about:

The Family: A Proclamation to the World” declares that “marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God”, (¶ 1). and that “husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other” (¶ 6). Furthermore, it emphasizes that “marriage . . . is essential to His eternal plan” (¶ 7). These statements make clear that marriage is a purposeful, divinely created relationship, not merely a social custom, and that couples have God-given covenant obligations to one another.[i]

Some of those obligations or covenants are outlined in the Proclamation as principles to live by: “faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.”[ii] Also included among them is complete fidelity in marriage. When families practice these principles, they are ensured the possibility of greater happiness. President Spencer W. Kimball explains that happiness “comes from within” and is “earned.” [iii] Therefore, it is safe to say that happiness in family life is earned by living the principles taught in the Proclamation.

As you read the principles outline above, think about how they pertain to your marriage and family. Ask yourself questions such as, “How are we showing our faith in God?” “Do we pray together morning and at night?” “In our prayers, are we thanking God for one another?” “Do I forgive my husband/wife?” “Do I recognize my faults and ask for forgiveness?” As you take time to contemplate how these principles might apply to your relationships, you will see how living them more fully will bring you greater happiness.

I know that living each of these principles is a covenant obligation that we have with God and with our spouse and children. I promise that when you incorporate them into your marriage, you will be more fulfilled and happier.

[i] Hawkins, Alan J., et al. Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Brigham Young University, 2016.

[ii] The Family: A Proclamation to the World. (1995, November). Retrieved May 18, 2019, from https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/1995/11/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world?lang=eng

[iii] Kimball, S. W. (2002, October). Gospel Classics: Oneness in Marriage. Retrieved May 18, 2019, from https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/2002/10/oneness-in-marriage?lang=eng

Becoming the Type of Person You Want to Marry

Becoming the Type of Person You Want to Marry

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Before my daughter, Elizabeth, came home from her mission, I wrote a blog post entitled, “An Open Letter to my Daughter about Dating and Temple Marriage.” Having recently separated from my then husband who had left the church, I was concerned about the type of young men she would date when she came home. In the letter to my daughter, I detailed some important attributes that she should look for in an eternal companion. My hope was that she would make good choices and find a young man who was committed to God, to her, and to the church. About a year and half later, she entered into the House of the Lord to be sealed to a wonderful young man who is loved by our whole family. As I have furthered my studies about marriage and family life, I understand better the need to not only search for those attributes that a potential eternal companion should have, but the need to attain them before the search begins.

In the book, “Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives,” author Jason S. Carroll, outlines two approaches to dating and marriage: The “finding Mr/Mrs. Right approach” and the “becoming approach.”[i] He references Elder David A. Bednar and his passionate response to the first:

As we visit with young adults all over the Church, often they will ask, “Well, what are the characteristics I should look for in a future spouse?” As though they have some checklist of, “I need to find someone who has these three, or four, or five things. “And I rather forcefully say to them, “You are so arrogant to think that you are some catch and that you want someone else who has these five things for you! If you found somebody who had these three or four or five characteristics that you’re looking for, what makes you think they’d want to marry you?” The “list” is not for evaluating someone else—the list is for you and what you I need to become. And so if there are three primary characteristics that [you] hope to find in an eternal companion, then those are the three things [you] ought to be working to become. Then [you] will be attractive to someone who has those things. … You are not on a shopping spree looking for the greatest value with a series of characteristics. You become what you hope your spouse will be and you’ll have a greater likelihood of finding that person.[ii]

If you want to marry someone who has a deep love and commitment to God and puts Him first in their lives, do you do the same? Some things you might want to do to become that type of person is to pray and study your scriptures daily. Being obedient to the commandments and following the prophet are a couple more things a committed and faithful servant would do. Ponder on the characteristics of this person and commit yourself to being them.

Do you want someone who will work hard and provide and care for your family? What are you doing now to be someone who does that? Do you do your best in school or at your current job? Do you help your family with chores or work around the home? Do you faithfully serve and magnify your calling? Do you minister to those in need and to those you are assigned? All of these things can be attributed to someone who works hard and cares for others.

Do you want to date and marry someone free from the addictions of pornography and substance abuse that plague the world? Are you watching, listening to, or reading materials that might harm your spirit? Are you keeping yourself away from substances that are addictive?

Think about what Elder Bednar says the next time you are prompted to make a list of the qualities you want in a husband/wife. For each characteristic that you come up with, determine if you have acquired that characteristic and how its application works in your life . If there are some things that you need to work on, create a plan (goal) to make the necessary changes.

As you prepare for the future and become the type of person you see yourself marrying, you will have peace in your heart that you are becoming what someone else needs and wants. And when you finally succeed in finding that someone, you will have joy knowing that you are equally yoked—both prepared for the happiness that is possible for those who follow the teachings of the Savior Jesus Christ. [iii]

[i] Hawkins, Alan J., et al. Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Brigham Young University, 2016.

[ii] Bednar, D. A. (2009). Mormon Channel, Conversations, Episode ow. Retrieved from http://radio.lds .org/eng/programs/conversations-episode-I

[iii] The Family: A Proclamation to the World. (1995, November). Retrieved June 9, 2019, from https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/1995/11/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world?lang=eng

In-law Relationships

In-law Relationships

by Andrea ♥ 1 Comment

Good relations with in-laws are important for a successful marriage. One startling statistic related to in-law relations is that, “… 80 percent of couples in failed marriages had not gained the approval or support of parents to marry.”[i] Yet, blame cannot be solely placed upon the parents. When a couple marries, both the couple and the in-laws need to do all that they can to create a good in-law relationship so that the marriage can thrive.

“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). Mothers and fathers need to allow the couple space so that their marriage can be strong. Mothers can do this by not meddling in the relationship. Fathers can let go of the need for control. Both mother and father should not interfere in their child’s and spouse’s decisions—even if they have given counsel and the couple decides not to follow it. There are myriad ways that mothers and fathers interfere in their children’s marriages, but doing so goes against the counsel of the Lord.

“Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other…”[ii] Young couples can be part of the problem too. Depending upon parents too much for advice and counsel can hinder their own ability to receive revelation for themselves. Going to mom and dad when there are difficulties in the marriage, rather than dealing with it as a couple, can also create problems. Being a mediator between one’s spouse and parents puts a strain on the relationships.[iii] Not cleaving unto one’s spouse can put a strain on both the marital relationship and the in-law relationship.

When there are strained relationships, prayer and patience can make a difference. When I was newly married, I didn’t have the best relationship with my in-laws. Because it was so long ago, I can’t remember why I didn’t like going to their house or spending time with them, but it weighed on me. I decided that I needed to do something about it, so I started fasting and praying for them and for my heart to change. After about a year of fasting and praying, my heart softened. Over the course of my marriage, there were sometimes other things that came up to put a strain on the relationship, but they were always things that I could eventually overlook. Even though I am divorced now, I still love my former in-laws.

Many things can contribute to tension in relationships, but I believe our hearts are the ones that need to change. We don’t have control over what other people do, but we do have control over how we relate to others. My experience with my former in-laws helped me understand that I can make a difference if I have a change of heart. I am fortunate to have good relationships with my daughters-in-law and my son-in-law. I love them like my own children, and hope that they love me as much in return.  

[i] G. C. Horsley (1997), The In-law Survival Manual: A Guide to Cultivating Healthy In-law Relationships (New York: John Wiley &: Sons).

[ii] “The Family: A Proclamation To The World”. 1995, p. 102.

[iii] James M. Harper, S. F. (2005). Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families. In S. F. James M. Harper, Helping and Healing Our Families (p. Chapter 37). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.

Unity

Unity

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Twenty years ago, President Henry B. Eyring gave a talk in General Conference on unity entitled, “That We May Be One.” He reveals that the Savior teaches us through His prayer at the Last Supper, that unity comes from having our natures changed through sanctification and through believing in and being like Him:

“As thou hast sent me into the world, even so have I also sent them into the world.

“And for their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth.

“Neither pray I for these alone, but for them also which shall believe on me through their word;

“That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me” (John 17:18–21).

President Eyring then explains how keeping the promises we make as we partake of the sacrament helps us to achieve unity.

Discord is the antithesis of unity. It is sown through selfishness and pride. President Eyring states that “It is [Satan] who plants the seeds of discord in human hearts in the hope that we might be divided and separate.” In every relationship, husband/wife, parent/child, employee/employer, etc., the seeds of discord are planted when we seek our own agenda, views, wills, etc., over another’s without listening to or valuing theirs.

If we look back, even to the pre-mortal world, it has always been Satan who planted those seeds. Yet, it has been us, through allowing those prideful and selfish thoughts to fester, that has permitted discord to permeate and ruin our precious and sometimes tenuous relationships. The only way to combat these infectious thoughts and actions is to repent and allow the Savior’s atonement to work within us.

So, what happens if we follow the Savior’s example and discord seems to endure? We “continue in patience” (D&C 67:13). In speaking to priesthood holders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf says that patience, “is a precious and rare virtue.” He further explains that, “Patience is a godly attribute that can heal souls, unlock treasures of knowledge and understanding, and transform ordinary men and women into saints and angels” (Uchtdorf).

I like the idea that patience helps us gain knowledge and understanding and that it transforms us. I have written at length about the importance of seeing things “as they really are” (Jacob 4:13), and viewing ourselves as part of the problem in our relationships. It’s not easy or fun to recognize when I have contributed to disunity in my relationships. Yet, I know that if I do my part by having faith, repenting, being sanctified, and practicing patience, then unity may come.

Unity within marriage, parent/child, work, and church relationships is vital to success. As you and I both well know, discord often interrupts those relationships and puts strain on them. Even when we work hard on repairing them, success isn’t always immediate because there is agency at work. It takes effort on both sides to create unity. When we don’t find immediate success after we’ve done all that we can do, it’s important that we exercise patience and not give up.

I don’t have a story of success to share yet, because there is discord in one aspect of my life that involves many relationships. I don’t have control over the outcome, but I am trying to do my part by following the Savior’s example and exercising patience in the Lord. I know that He can work miracles, and I have hope that unity will not be too far in the distant future.  

Here is a wonderful, short video to watch that was created from Elder Uchtdorf’s talk.

Works Cited

Eyring, Henry B. “That We May Be One”. Lds.Org, 1998, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1998/04/that-we-may-be-one?lang=eng. Accessed 27 Mar 2019.

Uchtdorf, Dieter F. “Continue In Patience”. Lds.Org, 2010, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/continue-in-patience?lang=eng. Accessed 27 Mar 2019.