Before my daughter, Elizabeth, came home from her mission, I wrote a blog post entitled, “An Open Letter to my Daughter about Dating and Temple Marriage.” Having recently separated from my then husband who had left the church, I was concerned about the type of young men she would date when she came home. In the letter to my daughter, I detailed some important attributes that she should look for in an eternal companion. My hope was that she would make good choices and find a young man who was committed to God, to her, and to the church. About a year and half later, she entered into the House of the Lord to be sealed to a wonderful young man who is loved by our whole family. As I have furthered my studies about marriage and family life, I understand better the need to not only search for those attributes that a potential eternal companion should have, but the need to attain them before the search begins.

In the book, “Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives,” author Jason S. Carroll, outlines two approaches to dating and marriage: The “finding Mr/Mrs. Right approach” and the “becoming approach.”[i] He references Elder David A. Bednar and his passionate response to the first:

As we visit with young adults all over the Church, often they will ask, “Well, what are the characteristics I should look for in a future spouse?” As though they have some checklist of, “I need to find someone who has these three, or four, or five things. “And I rather forcefully say to them, “You are so arrogant to think that you are some catch and that you want someone else who has these five things for you! If you found somebody who had these three or four or five characteristics that you’re looking for, what makes you think they’d want to marry you?” The “list” is not for evaluating someone else—the list is for you and what you I need to become. And so if there are three primary characteristics that [you] hope to find in an eternal companion, then those are the three things [you] ought to be working to become. Then [you] will be attractive to someone who has those things. … You are not on a shopping spree looking for the greatest value with a series of characteristics. You become what you hope your spouse will be and you’ll have a greater likelihood of finding that person.[ii]

If you want to marry someone who has a deep love and commitment to God and puts Him first in their lives, do you do the same? Some things you might want to do to become that type of person is to pray and study your scriptures daily. Being obedient to the commandments and following the prophet are a couple more things a committed and faithful servant would do. Ponder on the characteristics of this person and commit yourself to being them.

Do you want someone who will work hard and provide and care for your family? What are you doing now to be someone who does that? Do you do your best in school or at your current job? Do you help your family with chores or work around the home? Do you faithfully serve and magnify your calling? Do you minister to those in need and to those you are assigned? All of these things can be attributed to someone who works hard and cares for others.

Do you want to date and marry someone free from the addictions of pornography and substance abuse that plague the world? Are you watching, listening to, or reading materials that might harm your spirit? Are you keeping yourself away from substances that are addictive?

Think about what Elder Bednar says the next time you are prompted to make a list of the qualities you want in a husband/wife. For each characteristic that you come up with, determine if you have acquired that characteristic and how its application works in your life . If there are some things that you need to work on, create a plan (goal) to make the necessary changes.

As you prepare for the future and become the type of person you see yourself marrying, you will have peace in your heart that you are becoming what someone else needs and wants. And when you finally succeed in finding that someone, you will have joy knowing that you are equally yoked—both prepared for the happiness that is possible for those who follow the teachings of the Savior Jesus Christ. [iii]

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[i] Hawkins, Alan J., et al. Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Brigham Young University, 2016.

[ii] Bednar, D. A. (2009). Mormon Channel, Conversations, Episode ow. Retrieved from http://radio.lds .org/eng/programs/conversations-episode-I

[iii] The Family: A Proclamation to the World. (1995, November). Retrieved June 9, 2019, from https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/1995/11/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world?lang=eng