Tag: Forgiveness

Saving a Marriage

Saving a Marriage

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Divorce among members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is not as common as it is among the rest of the general population of the United States, but it is still common enough that prophets and apostles have counseled on it. It’s estimated that, “25 to 30 percent of Latter-day Saint couples who regularly attend Church experience a divorce (Heaton, Bahr, & Jacobson, 2004).” [i]

Separate Couple

There are legitimate reasons for spouses divorcing, but even then, the brethren counsel husbands and wives to do everything possible before divorce so that there is no doubt that one can say, “I did everything possible to save my marriage.” The following counsel to married couples contemplating divorce comes from Elder Dallin H. Oaks during the April 2007 General Conference:

“I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation.” [ii]

This means that we must look to our own hearts first before we consider taking a step that will inevitably bring pain. The suffering that you may be feeling now will not be easily left behind you after divorce. There are short term and long-term consequences that you may have to deal with after a divorce. Counsel with your Bishop. Pray to Heavenly Father for His counsel, and seek the advice of trusted family members. Take measure of your own shortcomings and decide to make changes in your life. You may find that your heart and perspective have changed during this process.

This counsel does not mean that you must stay in a marriage that causes physical, mental, or spiritual harm. Any type of abuse cannot be tolerated. Nevertheless, these measures will strengthen you as an individual and you will find that you will be able to hear the whisperings of the Spirit as it guides you to a resolution.

Couple Heart

Elder Oaks also counsels couples to do everything they can to save their marriage. Couples must work together to preserve what they have established and have covenanted to maintain. Each must give all of themselves to one another and put the other first. He mentions being “kind and considerate” and “always seeking to make each other happy.” [iii]

Another thing that he counsels spouses to do is to put behind past offenses. Bringing up past wrongs and disappointments and placing blame do nothing to preserve the marriage. On the contrary, they damage the relationship and cause alienation. Put the past behind you. Forgive and move on.

Couple Praying

Elder Oaks directs that kneeling in prayer with one another and bringing their issues to the Lord can bring the Spirit into your relationship. The power of the atonement can heal anything and anyone. In addition, your heart will be softened, and you will begin to see ways to help save your relationship. Other advice includes counseling with your Bishop and having hope.

As someone who is divorced, I can say that I tried my best to save my marriage with someone who has serious addiction problems. I was guided by the Spirit and felt my course to be the correct one even though I stayed a very long time in that situation. Nevertheless, it’s difficult because the effects will last a life-time. I know that marriage is sacred and should be valued above all other institutions. My hope is that troubled marriages will survive because the fruits of marriage can be sweet.

[i] Heaton, T. B., Bahr, S. J., & Jacobson, C. K. (2004). A statistical profile of Mormons: Health, wealth, and social life. Lewiston, NY: Edwin Mellen Press. As cited in Hawkins, A. J., & Fackrell, T. A. (2016). Should I Keep Trying to Work It Out: Sacred and Secular Perspectives on the Crossroads of Divorce. In Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives (pp. 79-87). Provo, UT: Brigham Young University.

[ii] Oaks, D. H. (2007, April). Divorce. Retrieved July 12, 2019, from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2007/04/divorce?lang=eng&query=internet

[iii] Ibid.

The Gift of Forgiveness

The Gift of Forgiveness

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Forgive

I have spoken and written a lot about forgiveness. I was married for close to 30 years to a man who is a pornography and sex addict. Over the course of our marriage he acted out numerous times, which resulted in a lot of emotional, physical, and spiritual suffering. Nevertheless, the resentment, bitterness, anger, etc., that I felt off and on during those years was a choice that I made. Both of us used our agency poorly.

Having an unforgiving heart weighs us down with burden—even when we have been the victim of another’s choices. In the opening remarks of his talk, “To Be Free of Heavy Burdens,” Elder Richard G. Scott says, “Many of you suffer needlessly from carrying heavy burdens because you do not open your hearts to the healing power of the Lord.” [i] He then reminds us of this promise from the Lord:

Savior in Gethsemane

“I will … ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that … you cannot feel them …; and this will I do … that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions” (Mosiah 24:14). [ii]

Sometimes, we have unforgiving hearts because we want the other person to suffer as we have. The irony of this type of unforgiveness is that we cannot be healed from the pain that has been afflicted upon us if we don’t forgive. The Lords tell us:

“Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.

“I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.” [iii]

The Savior’s healing power is greater than our afflictions. When we trust in Him, and ask for His help to forgive, He will grant us that ability. 

I have often heard people say that they can’t forgive. They don’t know how, or they’ve tried and it doesn’t work. Forgiveness is often a process, but it is also a gift. “Seek ye earnestly the best gifts.” [iv] The gift of forgiveness is something that I have experience with, but it wasn’t randomly given to me. I made a conscious choice to be obedient to the commandments and to make changes in my life which would bring me greater happiness. Because of those choices, my heart was softened, and I was granted the ability to freely forgive. Now I find it much easier to forgive than I have in the past. I don’t hold on to resentment or bitterness.

Let’s not forget the greatest blessings that comes from forgiving others—the remittance of our sins. “For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” [v] I remember distinctly how I felt after I had forgiven someone else. An overwhelming sense of peace came over me. In that moment, I was not only free from the burdens of someone else’s choices, but my own sins had been forgiven. I was free from all burden. It was a beautiful moment in my life that I’ll never forget.

ComeUntoChrist.org

I am eternally grateful for the Savior. He made all things possible through His atonement. He has the power to help us forgive. It’s my sincere prayer that you’ll free yourself from your burdens and seek His help.

[i] https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2002/10/to-be-free-of-heavy-burdens?lang=eng

[ii] As cited in “To Be Free of Heavy Burdens.”

[iii] Doctrine & Covenants 64:9-10

[iv] Doctrine & Covenants 46:8

[v] Matthew 6:14

The Miracle of Forgiveness

The Miracle of Forgiveness

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Rippled Water

“Tranquility to the soul” (Holland). That’s what forgiveness and reconciliation brings according to Elder Jeffrey R. Holland in a recent General Conference address. In the scriptures, Paul talks of the “peace of God, which passeth all understanding” (Philippians 4:7). This feeling, similar to “tranquility of the soul,” is something that comes through being able to forgive others and reconcile our hearts with them.

Why is forgiveness necessary? Foremost, it is a commandment: “I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men” (D&C 64:10). The promise we receive in return for forgiving others, is that we will be forgiven of our sins. We should think hard on that thought. When we withhold our forgiveness, because it is a choice to forgive or not, then the Lord will withhold His forgiveness to us.

Secondly, forgiveness heals our hearts. Think about the feelings that precede forgiveness: resentment, bitterness, hate, envy, blame, justification, etc. These feelings are toxic to our souls. In an April 2007 General Conference address, Elder James E. Faust mentioned a few benefits of forgiveness in his address which were mentioned in scientific studies. Those benefits include, “a higher level of self-esteem and well-being” (Faust). Meaning that people become, “less angry, more hopeful, less depressed, less anxious and less stressed” when they learn to forgive (Faust). When we forgive others, our souls are rid of those toxic feelings. Through the healing power of the atonement, we are filled with peace, love, kindness, and empathy.

Third, forgiveness can bring reconciliation. It was possible for my marriage to heal—even after all that had been done to nearly destroy it. Forgiveness may not heal all relationships, but it’s possible to reconcile completely even when there have been long-standing disagreements or extreme hurt.

Temple House Gallery

I wrote about my failed marriage in my last blog post. Over the course of my marriage, I had to the learn the lesson on forgiveness over and over again as infidelities and addictions came to light several times. It wasn’t always easy, and at one point, the pain, suffering, and resentment built up to unmanageable levels. It was at this time of harboring long-held resentment towards my husband, that I remember the intense feeling of it being washed away as I gained the capacity to forgive my ex. Through the healing power of the atonement of Jesus Christ, an overpowering sense of peace came over me. A miracle had taken place in my life. Not only did I feel the tranquility that Elder Holland speaks of, but I knew my sins had been forgiven too. My whole soul was cleansed and sanctified.

Today, I know that I can turn to God as soon as ill feelings towards another comes into my mind and heart. I know that He will hear my plea for help and that the atonement will bring peace again when I repent of those feelings. I know that forgiveness is a powerful tool that we can wield with the help of God. I am so grateful for this gift and for the abundant blessings that I have received in my life because I have been willing to forgive.

Works Cited

Faust, James E. “The Healing Power Of Forgiveness”. Lds.Org, 2007, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/04/the-healing-power-of-forgiveness?lang=eng. Accessed 6 Mar 2019.

Holland, Jeffrey R. “The Ministry Of Reconciliation”. Lds.Org, 2018, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2018/10/the-ministry-of-reconciliation?lang=eng. Accessed 6 Mar 2019.

Putting off the Natural Man

Putting off the Natural Man

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Not every marriage or relationship is fixable. My own can attest to that. But the principles that lead men to salvation and which keep individuals happy, are true for everyone. As my marriage started to crumble, I looked to God for help. I knew that I would find strength through the atonement of Jesus Christ, and I knew that I could change and “[put] off the natural man” as King Benjamin describes in the book of Mosiah (3:19).

King Benjamin teaches that we must be humble and become as children to receive grace through the atonement. One day, as I was staggering under the weight of resentment that I felt towards a man who refused to keep his covenants and stay true to his marital vows, I felt a strong desire to be more obedient. As I pursued this attribute, the Lord worked on my heart. He slowly chipped away at those negative feelings and filled me up with hope and peace.

Forgiveness came too. It’s harder to explain how this happened, because it came to me in an instant as a spiritual gift from God. I did nothing to earn it. Sure, I was striving for obedience and staying true to my covenants, but it was a miracle that came at one of the worst moments in my life. Forgiveness fills our whole souls with love and light because it is made possible through the atonement. As we struggle in marriages or other relationships, we must find a place for forgiveness in our hearts. It’s the only way we will be truly happy.

Being submissive is something we must do to receive the benefits of the atonement, but it too is a gift endowed through the grace of God. As Elder Neil A. Maxwell explains, “Spiritual submissiveness is so much more than bended knee or bowed head” (Maxwell). Although beginning with “bended knee” is necessary, as we attune ourselves to the Spirit and follow His promptings, we begin a journey of being and becoming more submissive to God’s will.

Another point Elder Maxwell makes is that, “The submissive soul will be led aright, enduring some things well while being anxiously engaged in setting other things right—all the time discerning the difference” (Maxwell). As we exercise this attribute in our relationships, it will strengthen them. Whether it’s apologizing or forgiving, our hearts are in tune with God and we do what it takes to make amends.

Near the end of my marriage, I felt the Lord needed me to do my very best. So, I did. Although I ended up divorced, I still learned the value of turning myself over to God and allowing the power of atonement to change my heart. I came out strengthened, renewed, and full of hope.

As we apply these principles, we will strengthen our relationships because each time we “[put] off the natural man,” we become more like the Savior. As our hearts change, we become more humble and see our faults; we seek for and demonstrate forgiveness towards our loved ones; and we follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost and do God’s will.

Regardless of our relationship status, eternal principles apply to us individually. Can you imagine the power in a relationship if both spouses turn their hearts over to God and seek to follow His will by “[putting] off the natural man?” I know that as we “yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit,” and “become a saint… as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things,” the promise of salvation is ours. The Lord will save us, help save our marriages, and save our families.

Works Cited

Maxwell, Neil A. “”Willing To Submit””. Lds.Org, 1985, https://www.lds.org/study/general-conference/1985/04/willing-to-submit?lang=eng. Accessed 6 Feb 2019.

The D Word

The D Word

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Family problem

Divorce is not a word a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints says comfortably. When the word is uttered in conversation among members, we suddenly don’t know what to say. We’re embarrassed. We don’t understand why or how something like divorce happens among members in our religion, so when it does, we are surprised.

What doesn’t surprise us is how divorce affects families. Paul Amato is a sociology professor at Penn State University who studies marriage, divorce and other issues that affect families. In his publication for the journal The Future of Children, he details how divorce affects children. He compiled years of research and other studies to conclude that: “Children with divorced parents are worse off…on measure of academic success…conduct…psychological well-being…self-esteem, and peer relations…on average. Moreover, children in divorced families tend to have weaker emotional bonds with mothers and fathers than do their peers in two-parent families” (Amato, 2005).

It’s no wonder then that, in recent years, church leaders have addressed the topic of divorce and its effect on the family. Elder Dallin H. Oaks spoke in the May 2007 General Conference about divorce. He says that children who are influenced by divorce can have the distorted view of marriage that it’s a burden. They may avoid marriage or aren’t fully committed to it and run when times get tough (Oaks, 2007).

Addressing the possible outcomes of divorce is depressing—even when it’s necessary to divorce in order to preserve our physical, mental, and/or our emotional health. The effects are lasting—possibly life-long or eternal. What then do we do when faced with the possibility? Elder Oaks says:

Latter-day Saint spouses should do all within their power to preserve their marriages… If you are already descending into the low state of marriage-in-name-only, please join hands, kneel together, and prayerfully plead for help and the healing power of the Atonement. Your humble and united pleadings will bring you closer to the Lord and to each other and will help you in the hard climb back to marital harmony. (Oaks, 2007)

Sometimes the answers to our pleadings are difficult to hear. We may need to repent. We may need to receive counsel. We may need to humble ourselves and see our own contribution to the marital problems. Whatever we may be called upon to do, we need to do it because an eternal marriage is necessary to gain eternal life.

I am a product of divorced parents, and I too am divorced. For children and parents who suffer from the effects of divorce, the atonement of Jesus Christ is the balm that heals all wounds. It quiets the doubts. It fills the heartache and loneliness with peace and the everlasting love of a Savior who intimately knows each of our sorrows and concerns. He will heal and change our hearts so that we can learn from our mistakes, forgive, and leave behind us the things of the past. He will give us hope.

Divorce in the LDS culture may never be a comfortable thing to discuss. Our views on marriage are eternal, so when a family is divided, we mourn. I know from personal experience how devastating the effects of divorce can be. I also know that all of those effects can be mitigated through the power of the atonement of Jesus Christ if we put our faith and trust in Him and strive with all of our might to serve Him and keep His commandments.

Works Cited

Amato, Paul R. “The Impact Of Family Formation Change On The Cognitive, Social, And Emotional Well-Being Of The Next Generation”. The Future Of Children, vol 15, no. 2, 2005, pp. 75-96. Johns Hopkins University Press, doi:10.1353/foc.2005.0012.

Oaks, Dallin H. “Divorce”. Lds.Org, 2007, https://www.lds.org/ensign/2007/05/divorce?lang=eng#note4. Accessed 16 Jan 2019.