Good relations with in-laws are important for a successful marriage. One startling statistic related to in-law relations is that, “… 80 percent of couples in failed marriages had not gained the approval or support of parents to marry.”[i] Yet, blame cannot be solely placed upon the parents. When a couple marries, both the couple and the in-laws need to do all that they can to create a good in-law relationship so that the marriage can thrive.

“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). Mothers and fathers need to allow the couple space so that their marriage can be strong. Mothers can do this by not meddling in the relationship. Fathers can let go of the need for control. Both mother and father should not interfere in their child’s and spouse’s decisions—even if they have given counsel and the couple decides not to follow it. There are myriad ways that mothers and fathers interfere in their children’s marriages, but doing so goes against the counsel of the Lord.

“Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other…”[ii] Young couples can be part of the problem too. Depending upon parents too much for advice and counsel can hinder their own ability to receive revelation for themselves. Going to mom and dad when there are difficulties in the marriage, rather than dealing with it as a couple, can also create problems. Being a mediator between one’s spouse and parents puts a strain on the relationships.[iii] Not cleaving unto one’s spouse can put a strain on both the marital relationship and the in-law relationship.

When there are strained relationships, prayer and patience can make a difference. When I was newly married, I didn’t have the best relationship with my in-laws. Because it was so long ago, I can’t remember why I didn’t like going to their house or spending time with them, but it weighed on me. I decided that I needed to do something about it, so I started fasting and praying for them and for my heart to change. After about a year of fasting and praying, my heart softened. Over the course of my marriage, there were sometimes other things that came up to put a strain on the relationship, but they were always things that I could eventually overlook. Even though I am divorced now, I still love my former in-laws.

Many things can contribute to tension in relationships, but I believe our hearts are the ones that need to change. We don’t have control over what other people do, but we do have control over how we relate to others. My experience with my former in-laws helped me understand that I can make a difference if I have a change of heart. I am fortunate to have good relationships with my daughters-in-law and my son-in-law. I love them like my own children, and hope that they love me as much in return.  

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[i] G. C. Horsley (1997), The In-law Survival Manual: A Guide to Cultivating Healthy In-law Relationships (New York: John Wiley &: Sons).

[ii] “The Family: A Proclamation To The World”. 1995, p. 102.

[iii] James M. Harper, S. F. (2005). Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families. In S. F. James M. Harper, Helping and Healing Our Families (p. Chapter 37). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.