Tag: prayer

Saving a Marriage

Saving a Marriage

by Andrea ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Divorce among members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is not as common as it is among the rest of the general population of the United States, but it is still common enough that prophets and apostles have counseled on it. It’s estimated that, “25 to 30 percent of Latter-day Saint couples who regularly attend Church experience a divorce (Heaton, Bahr, & Jacobson, 2004).” [i]

Separate Couple

There are legitimate reasons for spouses divorcing, but even then, the brethren counsel husbands and wives to do everything possible before divorce so that there is no doubt that one can say, “I did everything possible to save my marriage.” The following counsel to married couples contemplating divorce comes from Elder Dallin H. Oaks during the April 2007 General Conference:

“I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation.” [ii]

This means that we must look to our own hearts first before we consider taking a step that will inevitably bring pain. The suffering that you may be feeling now will not be easily left behind you after divorce. There are short term and long-term consequences that you may have to deal with after a divorce. Counsel with your Bishop. Pray to Heavenly Father for His counsel, and seek the advice of trusted family members. Take measure of your own shortcomings and decide to make changes in your life. You may find that your heart and perspective have changed during this process.

This counsel does not mean that you must stay in a marriage that causes physical, mental, or spiritual harm. Any type of abuse cannot be tolerated. Nevertheless, these measures will strengthen you as an individual and you will find that you will be able to hear the whisperings of the Spirit as it guides you to a resolution.

Couple Heart

Elder Oaks also counsels couples to do everything they can to save their marriage. Couples must work together to preserve what they have established and have covenanted to maintain. Each must give all of themselves to one another and put the other first. He mentions being “kind and considerate” and “always seeking to make each other happy.” [iii]

Another thing that he counsels spouses to do is to put behind past offenses. Bringing up past wrongs and disappointments and placing blame do nothing to preserve the marriage. On the contrary, they damage the relationship and cause alienation. Put the past behind you. Forgive and move on.

Couple Praying

Elder Oaks directs that kneeling in prayer with one another and bringing their issues to the Lord can bring the Spirit into your relationship. The power of the atonement can heal anything and anyone. In addition, your heart will be softened, and you will begin to see ways to help save your relationship. Other advice includes counseling with your Bishop and having hope.

As someone who is divorced, I can say that I tried my best to save my marriage with someone who has serious addiction problems. I was guided by the Spirit and felt my course to be the correct one even though I stayed a very long time in that situation. Nevertheless, it’s difficult because the effects will last a life-time. I know that marriage is sacred and should be valued above all other institutions. My hope is that troubled marriages will survive because the fruits of marriage can be sweet.

[i] Heaton, T. B., Bahr, S. J., & Jacobson, C. K. (2004). A statistical profile of Mormons: Health, wealth, and social life. Lewiston, NY: Edwin Mellen Press. As cited in Hawkins, A. J., & Fackrell, T. A. (2016). Should I Keep Trying to Work It Out: Sacred and Secular Perspectives on the Crossroads of Divorce. In Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives (pp. 79-87). Provo, UT: Brigham Young University.

[ii] Oaks, D. H. (2007, April). Divorce. Retrieved July 12, 2019, from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2007/04/divorce?lang=eng&query=internet

[iii] Ibid.

Couple Prayer

Couple Prayer

by Andrea ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

The Proclamation states that prayer is one of the principles that “successful marriages” are built upon.[i] When couples pray together, they create a unique relationship between them and God. In the June 2006 Ensign, Elder Bednar illustrates a principle that a marital relationship with Christ at the apex of a triangle and the husband and wife at the other corners builds greater love and happiness as husband and wives move closer to Christ.[ii] The same concept is true if we instead place our Father in Heaven at the apex. As couples pray together, they grow closer to one another as they move closer to God through prayer.

I asked my daughter, who is married, what she thought was one of the greatest benefits of couple prayer. She mentioned the very triangle cited above. When she and her husband pray together, she feels closer to him and to the Lord.

In addition, there is evidence which supports the notion that couples who pray for one another see their marriages as sacred.[iii] “[Viewing] the relationship in this way can be a protective factor, buffering the marriage against certain challenges (such as infidelity) that can diminish or destroy a marriage.”[iv] This is significant when we think about the challenges that many marriages face today. It’s estimated that 55% of marriages which end in divorce, do so because of infidelity.[v] Among Latter-day Saint marriages, the statistic is only slightly lower at 48%. [vi]

Elder Dallin H. Oaks[vii] teaches why prayer can serve as protective factor. He counsels:

If you are already descending into the low state of marriage-in-name-only, please join hands, kneel together, and prayerfully plead for help and the healing power of the Atonement. Your humble and united pleadings will bring you closer to the Lord and to each other and will help you in the hard climb back to marital harmony.

More notably, past and present church prophets and apostles have admonished couples to pray together for a variety of reasons:

President Spencer W. Kimball talked about several principles, including couple prayer, which bring happiness. He said, “Happiness is at its pinnacle when husbands and wives … love the Lord more than their own lives.” [viii]

President Russell M. Nelson taught, “Good communication is also enhanced by prayer. To pray with specific mention of a spouse’s good deed (or need) nurtures a marriage.”[ix]

Another prophet, President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “I know of no single practice that will have a more salutary effect upon your lives than the practice of kneeling together as you begin and close each day. Somehow the little storms that seem to afflict every marriage are dissipated when, kneeling before the Lord, you thank him for one another, in the presence of one another, and then together invoke his blessings upon your lives, your home, your loved ones, and your dreams.”[x]

Finally, Ecclesiastes 4:12 states, “A threefold cord is not quickly broken.” The verses previous to this one says, “Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow” (vs. 9-10). What better way is there than to lift one another up through prayer?

We walk hand in hand with God through the perils of life when we place him at the center of our marriages. When one spouse stumbles, the other is there, but so is our Father in Heaven. His added strength to our marriages will bring us more happiness, better communication, and greater protection as we strive for greater satisfaction and success.

[i] The Family: A Proclamation to the World. (1995, November). Retrieved May 25, 2019, from https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/1995/11/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world?lang=eng

[ii] https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2006/06/marriage-is-essential-to-his-eternal-plan?lang=eng

[iii] Lambert, N. M. (2016). Sanctification and Cooperation: How Prayer Helps Strengthen Relationships in Good Times and Heal Relationships in Bad Times. In Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives (pp. 196-200). Provo, UT: Brigham Young University.

[iv] Ibid.

[v] Hawkins, A. J., & Fackrell, T. A. (2016). Should I Keep Trying to Work It Out: Sacred and Secular Perspectives on the Crossroads of Divorce. In Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives (pp. 79-87). Provo, UT: Brigham Young University.

[vi] http://www.ldsliving.com/The-LDS-Divorce-Experience/s/82123

[vii] Oaks, D. H. (2007, May). Divorce. Ensign,37, 36-38. In Lambert, pg. 197.

[viii] https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/building-an-eternal-marriage-teacher-manual/spirituality-in-marriage?lang=eng

[ix] Nelson, R. S. (2006, May). Nurturing marriage. Ensign, 36, 36-38. In Lambert, pg. 198.

[x] https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1971/06/except-the-lord-build-the-house?lang=eng

Tools of Our Faith

Tools of Our Faith

by Andrea ♥ 1 Comment

There is a chapter in the book I’m reading, “Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives,” which discusses the impact that faith has on marriage and families. Although there have been many studies conducted in which religious faith is measured against health, family life, marriage, etc., the text says it’s difficult to prove that faith has any real measure on the success of family life.[i] Yet, the text concludes that, “Evidence suggests that shared faith appears to be a principle upon which “successful marriages and families are established and maintained.”[ii] As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we don’t need proof to know that the active exercise of our faith helps our families and marriages survive the storms of life.

In Elder Richard G. Scott’s October 2014 General Conference address, he explains how prayer, scripture study, family home evening, and temple attendance will help us “endure every temptation, every heartache, [and] every challenge we face.”[iii]  He calls each of these actions, tools which will help us with our challenges.

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Prayer

He counsels parents to “help safeguard your children by arming them morning and night with the power of family prayer.” Prayer brings us closer to each member of the Godhead. As we exercise our faith through prayer, we receive help from them. Praying daily as individuals, couples, and families will strengthen our bonds with our Father in Heaven and with one another.

Scripture Study

Elder Scott says “If you want your children to recognize, understand, and act on the promptings of the Spirit, you must study the scriptures with them.” The same admonition applies to individuals and couples. From personal experience, my prayers are often answered while I read my scriptures. The answers don’t always come straight from the verses themselves, but because I have placed myself in the position to be fed by the Spirit, I am more open to inspiration during that time.

Family Home Evening

During this summer, I have been having FHE with my daughter and son-in-law each week. My daughter is living with me while my son-in-law is in another state for an internship. Even though FHE is conducted over the internet, it has been a faith-filled experience. I have no doubt that my daughter and son-in-law are being blessed while they are being faithful to God’s commands.

Temple Attendance

The temple is a sanctuary from the world. The power that we have received from our covenants fortifies us against the adversary and whatever may be thrust upon as we dwell in mortality. It’s necessary that we attend often so that we remember those covenants and so that we are continually strengthened. We may not be able to attend the temple with all of our family members, but they too will be blessed as we exercise our faith by going to the temple often.

I know that there is power in each of these tools. I testify that Elder Scott’s promise to us is true. Our marriages and families will be able to endure all of the trials, temptations, and heartaches we may be faced with if we act upon our faith and use the tools of prayer, scripture study, FHE, and temple attendance to strengthen us.

[i] Marks, L. D., Dollahite, D. C., & Freeman, J. J. (2016). Faith in Family Life. In Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives (pp. 185-193). Provo, UT: Brigham Young University.

[ii] Ibid.

[iii] https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2014/10/make-the-exercise-of-faith-your-first-priority?lang=eng